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[para_normally]

 -- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 02:35 --

CG: OKAY, AFTER METICULOUS RESEARCH, I HAVE AN ANSWER TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP WOES.
EB: whoa, where the fuck have you been?
EB: it's been like two weeks.
CG: GET YOUR GROSS WAXY HUMAN EARS OUT OF YOUR GROSS DIRTY HUMAN ASS AND PAY ATTENTION.
CG: I JUST TOLD YOU. METICULOUS RESEARCH.
CG: I EVEN STUDIED YOUR STUPID HUMAN QUADRANT.
CG: WHICH ISN'T ACTUALLY A QUADRANT BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE OF IT SO WHY THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY THAT.
EB: you were watching romcoms, weren't you.
CG: SHUT UP.
CG: YOU SHOULD BE THANKING ME.
CG: YOU SHOULD BE GROVELING AT MY FEET BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO FIX THE RELATIONSHIP THAT YOU CONTINUALLY FUCK UP JUST BY BEING YOURSELF.
EB: oh my god, stop talking unless you're going to say something useful.
CG: OKAY FINE.
CG: WHAT EXACTLY IS GOING ON BETWEEN YOU AND ROSE?
EB: well...
EB: dave found an e-mail that she wrote to me but didn't send.
EB: that basically said that she thinks i'm lying to her and trying to one-up her or something.
EB: and we kind of fought about it.
CG: ARE YOU LYING TO HER?
EB: no!
EB: i mean, i guess i led her to believe some things that weren't ENTIRELY true...
EB: like that i'm not a little nervous to date her and things like that.
CG: HMMM.
EB: hmmm?
CG: YES, HMMM. IT'S A NOISE THAT COMES FROM YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE WHEN YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING.
CG: YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT VERY FAMILIAR WITH IT, CONSIDERING.
EB: ugh.
CG: HAVE YOU HEARD OF "BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY"?
EB: uh.
EB: probably? i guess.
CG: GO WATCH IT.
CG: I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT ENLIGHTENING.
EB: wow, that sure was two weeks' worth of advice!
EB: thanks, bro!
EB: i'll just go download this movie now and poof! rose will come running back to me and everything will be sunshine and rainbows.
CG: NO, LOOK, IT'S VERY RELEVANT TO YOUR SITUATION.
CG: SEE, MARK AND BRIDGET TOTALLY PITY EACH OTHER AND ARE PROBABLY ABOUT TO ENGAGE IN WHATEVER DISGUSTING COURTSHIP RITUALS HUMANS PRACTICE IN PRIVATE.
CG: BUT THEN MARK FINDS BRIDGET'S DIARY AND ALL THE NASTY THINGS SHE'S SAID ABOUT HIM, BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT, HE WAS KIND OF A DOUCHENOZZLE AT POINTS.
CG: SO YOU THINK OH NO, LOOKS LIKE YOU ROYALLY FUCKED THAT ONE UP BRIDGET, WAY TO LEAVE A RECORD OF PAST YOU'S SHITTY THOUGHTS IN PLAIN FUCKING SIGHT.
CG: BUT HEY, IT TURNED OUT ALRIGHT.
CG: EVEN IF SHE DID END UP CHASING HIM DOWN A SNOWY STREET IN A TINY PAIR OF SPOTTED-PURRBEAST-PRINT UNDERWEAR.
EB: great.
EB: your advice is leopard print panties.
CG: NO, YOU THICKHEADED BULGELICKER.
CG: TURN THE SASS DOWN TO A LESS CAUSTIC LEVEL AND JUST WATCH THE MOVIE.
CG: AND THEN, IN CASE ITS TIMELESS WISDOM IS LOST ON YOU, TAKE SOME FUCKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ASTRONOMICALLY SHITTY ATTITUDE AND CHOICES, TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR SITUATION, AND TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND.
CG: THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL YOUR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS SUCCEED INSTEAD OF SPECTACULARLY CRASHING AND BURNING BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR SHIT TOGETHER ENOUGH TO COEXIST HEALTHILY WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.
CG: YOU'LL THANK ME LATER.
EB: uh, okay, thanks.
EB: are you sure this is going to help, like...
EB: fuck all?
CG: EVEN THOUGH PAST ME HAS LEFT BEHIND HIMSELF A TRAIL OF INANE RAMBLINGS PROFESSING UNDYING CHARCOAL INCLINATION, MUCH AS AN INCONTINENT WIGGLER LEAVES BEHIND A TRAIL OF MILDLY ACIDIC DIARRHEA
CG: I DON'T HATE YOU IN THE SLIGHTEST.
CG: I ACTUALLY THINK YOU'RE PRETTY ALRIGHT.
CG: THERE, I SAID IT. LET’S JUST STARE AT THIS MOMENT AND SAVOUR ITS AWKWARDNESS, SHALL WE?
CG: FUCK, "SAVOUR" AND "DIARRHEA" REALLY DON'T BELONG WITHIN TEN LINES OF EACH OTHER.
CG: ANYWAY, YES. I AM SURE.
CG: I'VE GIVEN YOU THE BEST ADVICE I CAN THINK OF.
CG: FUCKING LISTEN TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND INSTEAD OF WILDLY ALTERNATING BETWEEN EITHER GUSHING OVER AND PEDESTALIZING HER OR KEEPING IMPORTANT EMOTIONAL SHIT FROM HER. BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING IMPORTANT.
CG: AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PUT SOME TINY, SHRIVELLED SHRED OF CONFIDENCE IN THAT SHE LIKES YOU AND SHE DOESN'T WANT WHAT YOU'VE GOT TOGETHER TO DIE EITHER.
CG: CAN YOU DO THAT?
CG: PLEASE SAY YOU CAN AT LEAST DO THAT.
EB: i'll try.
CG: GOOD.
CG: LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES.
EB: thanks, karkat.
CG: ALSO, TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THE MOVIE.
EB: okay, karkat.
-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 03:01 --